Archive for the ‘Nicole’ Category

No, we can't be friends.

Tuesday, August 18th, 2020

Imagine my surprise when I'm about to head outside for a walk1 and our groundskeeper cuts me off before I can get my first foot out the door. After a lot of panting and whispering he manages to get out that, "the police are at the gate and they want to speak with Nicole".2

Weird, but it can be any number of things as of late...so I make my way quickly down the stairs. My Spanish teacher is already at the (locked) gate and is trying to explain to the two men and two women through the fence that I don't speak very much Spanish. Then the 'Special Agent' from the US embassy identifies himself as such in English. We ask for some identification and he clumsily flashes his badge through the fence (blocking all the important parts of it) and shows Hannah a(his?) card. We confirm that its nice that he has some identification but we'd like to know why these people are seeking me out. After much boring back and forth about how I'll talk to them but I'm not going anywhere, we agree and I move to the secret location on the side of the fence where I can still be seen by everyone and can also see Hannah speaking with the other two women.3 The sky is that beautiful grey mixed with blue and the clouds are so low over the valley you feel as though you could grab each one and rearrange it into a different shape. A new and unpredictable sky every hour is part of the reason I love living in Costa Rica.

So, I mentally strap in for the ride that's about to occur and repress the flashbacks of dealing with any sort of US bureaucracy. First, he wants to explain that I'm not in trouble and that "this is a welfare and wellness check because some people are very worried about me." Ah, those people and their definition of care. I confirm that the terrible passport photo of me that he has printed out is in fact me and I apologize for people wasting his time. Then I cannot help but notice that he has print outs of me from a recent article on Master's blog where I'm being strangled by a zip tie. It's hard not to chuckle at the print out of my head looking like a hot air balloon. Everyday something new in the scandalous live of a slave.4 I confirm that the photo is also me and see - I'm alive and about to take a great walk in the beauty that is Costa Rica and I even remembered to bring an umbrella this time. Then he drops all of his printouts and I suddenly feel the pang of danger that would be if my neighbors had printed photos of me naked with my passport photo. I also abstain (to no ones credit) from mentioning that the sex we had after that photo was some nasty good sex.5

"Well, we think a crime has been committed here." At this point I'm starting to get annoyed at being badgered by someone from the US government.6

"Sigh, no crime has been committed to me. I am in a consensual BDSM relationship. Not being held against my will, I'm a fully functioning adult who is about to go on a walk. If this is actually about my well being then we have nothing else to discuss because as you can see...I'm great." I stop myself from telling him that the header on Trilema changes so if he wants equally good pictures of Master then he can just wait a day and hit the refresh button but people gotta learn on their own.

He asks some more personal questions which I abstain from answering and then asks me a few more times if I'm actually okay.

Which gave me flashbacks to how dudes actually pursue women by hoping that on the 10th time that they ask her out, she'll be worn down enough to say yes. Because all life seems to be for everyone else is the same mad lib script used over and over again which transcends police investigations. After he gets his predetermined number of okays, we return to the other two women and to Hannah. He repeats the same speech about "how we're not in trouble but the opposite and people want to make sure we're okay." Then he requests a photo for proof that its actually us and I can only hope that the photo is now clipped to the one of me being strangled and left in a desk somewhere. Maybe he gets a new job and doesn't get to go through all of his papers and then some other agent inherits the desk. She finds the photos and gets inspired to pursue a life of kink and slavery. Its much more exiting to be the one who is being investigated, anyways.

Hannah and I continue on with our walk to get coffee and then vodka. Its a little difficult to maneuver the long chain that is attached from the top floor of the house all the way down the hill when its raining but we always manage.

Its taken me an extra three days to write this post because I couldn't decide how much of the stupidity is necessary to dissect.7

I keep encountering this thing wherein people who "care" about me think that them telling themselves this means that they get to interfere in my life. The concept is flawed. Why do you think that you know better and how do you find that acting on this makes you any different than someone who is an actual abuser? The beauty of BDSM is that the control is immediately identified and not used as a manipulative tool.

So, sure care about me... but what you don't get to do is make decisions for me or attempt to force me to live my life in a particular way according to your narrative. This is my life's story. I lost my family, friends, and I have skin off of my back for it. Furthermore, over the past two years I've seen a great deal of how manipulative people can be to themselves and to the people they love. Masking concern over my "death" is not you actually caring. The truth is, that you want me to be dead so that your thoughts about the world and lack of life will finally be confirmed. Well, I'm never going to play that role. Regardless of what you tell yourself, you don't want to actually help...you want to be in control over reality. So no, you don't get to use my life to make yourself a hero in the story that you tell people.. "I helped her, I saved her from the bad bad man by forcing her to do what I wanted instead!" Being the main character of your own story takes work and its your choice of how you interact with the world that will determine if you're leading the story or just another NPC. Besides, "life is on the wire, the rest is just waiting."8

  1. walks are fabulous in Costa Rica []
  2. Damn, if reporters are here and want to take pictures I'm going to miss out on an opportunity of getting my collar in another country's newspaper. []
  3. If someone out there is being held against their will, I sure hope that the police aren't interviewing them in plain sight of their captors. []
  4. Red wine over fed time... []
  5. Well, really only them. []
  6. To his credit, none of this is his fault. The dude is merely doing his job in the typical US style of doing things. []
  7. If you think everything on trilema is true to the point in which you think I'm murdered, how do you discount the other articles that were linked in that post? Or the mention of my name in the following posts? How do you construct an honest narrative knowing that these things exist? How do you decide which lies you're going to tell yourself? Do I care that much? []
  8. A quote by my boy Karl Wallenda who was a circus daredevil in the early 1900s. []

Passing days

Thursday, July 23rd, 2020

Rays of sun cast themselves through the ceiling-less stone skeleton structure of which I'm taking refugee in. Lately, I find myself here, in this spot...head back against the gratified covered walls and knees pressed against my chest. Broken beer bottles, assorted discarded clothing, and plants sprouting through the cracked stone surround me in my squatters palace.

The stone frame makes up a large main floor, a stair case leading to the roof, and one into the basement, of which I haven't yet either been desperate or courageous enough to check out. No actual walls connect the frame, but the field of grass surrounding the abandoned structure is so overgrown that the interior is still well hidden. Its so peaceful here that if I rest my eyes long enough I could fall asleep among the other discarded things. Occasionally, a disheveled person will appear and then disappear into their own corner of the den of disillusionment.

It used to be that I came here when I was being punished. The first time was when it was raining. Originally, I had tried the buss stop bench, but its constructed in such a way that the roof tilts the rain water directly onto where you're supposed to sit (which as a masochist I loved, but practically speaking was ruining my shoes) and this was the only dry place I could think of to go to. Now though, its become a place of solace and refuge for me and in that way just as good of a friend as anyone could be.

My purple and orange tye dyed book bag sits beside me as a reminder that I can't get too comfortable as I'm due home soon with coconuts. Its not even so much that I'm due home 'soon' - I'm just due home before Master has to wait for something he wants.1

I look at my flip phone and allow myself five more minutes to think about the same three things I've been mauling over for months. Its this weird game of time wasting that I'm embarrassed to admit that I partake in. Somehow I believe that just five more minutes of thinking will provide a solution I'm clearly to ill equipped and ignorant to come up with. Another five minutes pass and I take a deep breathe, gather my belongings, and say goodbye again.

  1. The coconut filled book bag is the same bag I bought with my friends and used in high school, then college, and occasionally i'd take it the plane for work trips. Never did I think its utility would be stretched as far as helping me haul fruit as a slave in Costa Rica. []

A balcony report

Tuesday, July 21st, 2020

Master and I were sitting out on the balcony observing the hawks gracefully soaring through the sky.1 This prompted a conversation between us, in which he taught me a few things about predatory birds.

It's possible to identify a predatory bird by two specific behaviors.2 The first being the soar & plane motion (which allows the bird to use few calories due to him using the wind for energy) and swooping.

These two points will help you distinguish one type of a bird from another: eagles soar, falcons swoop,3 and hawks are somewhere in between.

Furthermore, these are three shelling points for a cluster in nature.

And as a bonus, try observing chickens sometime. You'll see them look up and around as a mechanism to scan their environment for vultures. Apparently, they even remember the good hiding spots for when one of them sounds an alert cluck.

  1. The balcony is on a hill that is as high as the trees which presents an excellent vantage point for viewing all sorts of animals. []
  2. Well, first he asked me to identify that are the two things a car does... which are acceleration and steering. []
  3. If you think a cheetah is the fastest animal in nature (clocking in at about 60MPH) you'd be wrong. Its actually a falcon who can swoop at speeds up to 200MPH. Which is a great speed to break a preys neck at. []

Bimbo at the gates.

Friday, July 10th, 2020

My old friend, the green bus stop, shows itself just around the bend. It's strategically placed in front of a church, coffee farm, and a coffin store. The stop always has some interesting characters meandering around. Sometimes a cat, this time cows, and usually some Costa Rican grade gypsy children running around. The coffin store is fittingly decrepit, the coffins are placed on wobbly unfinished shelves and no signage is posted to indicate that they are for sale. The front of the store has no fence but a tiny gate connected to nothing, and usually a few sullen men sit on the ground in front of it. I cannot imagine a less inviting place to square yourself with the dead. Which is probably why I love coming here when I'm in trouble. I don't mean trouble in the 'I had a bad day at work' or 'my date didn't show up'. The kind of trouble I'm in, is the kind of trouble that most people spend their entire lives avoiding. It was a mere hour and a half ago when Master told me to get lost and don't come back until sunrise. What I did, since you're wondering... is fail. I failed the most important task of any day by being unable to repeat what Master had just taken the time to explain to me...

We're eating lunch, plantains, salad, and steak. Lunch is delicious, on time, and things are seemingly okay. The plantains are excellent.

"Are the plantains made with butter or oil?"

My question first reflects some comical looks and then a story from Master. The story is about when his grandmother served soup to her guests during Communist Romania. Someone asked her what is in the soup and her response was meat. I remember to smile as Master tells us the story and the mention of a ration on meat makes me wonder...

"Why did the communists so successfully organize beautiful construction in Romania but not meat for the people?"1
"Because the communists didn't want to"
"How come? Doesn't meat make people stronger and happier?"
"Vegetables make people stronger and the communists don't care if people are happy, like me."

A comparison to how the people of North Korea are expected to show up and smile when it's their leaders is presented.

"Yes, but North Korea doesn't actually produce anything."

The wheels in my bimbo brain starts turning...

"Are social work projects required in order for a government to be classified as communism?"

Master begins to quickly explain interesting differences between communism, socialism, and pantsuitism . My mouth is open and I stare off in an attempt to both understand a new concept and memorize it at the same time. I failed and therefore am left with a string of inaccurate ideas --

"Violence is monopolized in communism, projects are in a closed circuit in socialism (at this point I vaguely recall Master explaining that something else operates in a closed circuit. My small brain can only remember him saying closed and open while moving his hand back and forth.), and individuals have property rights in pantsuitism . You know, feelings are cared for and people are important. Socialism and pantsuitism can overlap."

Then a question was asked to me by Master to which I could not answer. I asked him to repeat the question, which he kindly did but I still could not give an answer nor repeat the question.

Which brings us to the bus stop in front of the coffin store on my full day of failure.

All that being said, I have to come with a disclaimer in that its obviously not word for word what was said by any party. Wouldn't it be nice if you could trust a bimbo to accurately remember and report? I wish I were a better person, in a lot of ways but until then, I'll have a notebook.

  1. This because we were just in Romania and I saw first hand at how great the bridges are -- especially high in the mountains. []

A conversation in the foggy forest.

Saturday, July 4th, 2020

Clouds of white mists swirl around the giant dark green trees, rain pours down from the grey sky, and I finally see the dirt path appear. The entrance disappears and reappears in different parts of the land. It leads deep into untouched parts of the rain forest. It feels familiar, I've been here before but cannot recall any of the details. I enter and am instantly over come by thousands of insects, birds, and monkeys whizzing pass my face, all going in the same direction. Following their lead, I find myself at the bottom of a high hill. Taking one step up the hill makes my leg feel as though 50 pound weights are securing me to the ground. It's not just me that is moving slowly though, I can watch the colibri birds' wings move up and down. The butterflies are moving so slowly it's as if they are frozen. We're all stuck moving slowly in the same direction. The trees are unlike anything I've ever interacted with. Instead of green, the trees leaves are purple, blue and black. Balls of glass hang off of the trees like fruit and some even fall, creating piles of glass shards on the ground around them. Some trees have nests of flames resting on their branches but nothing burns. All the weird that grows up the hill seems to be indestructible. Shooting stars burst in the sky and turn into puddles of rain before my very slow moving feet. Looking down, I see apples growing from the ground up, various squashes line the road like stones, and a stream is flowing up the hill. No moon or sun is stationed in the timeless sky. I feel as though I've entered god's personal playground.

I feel a cold hand take my own. My eyes follow the hand, up the arm, to the neck, but every time I get to the face to try and figure out whose hand it is...the entire face disappears. The faceless entity can walk at a normal speed and pulls me up the hill. Looking behind me, I watch the few people, animals, and insects that are left behind. The figure pulls me into a dark mossy cave filled with spiders but I feel so at ease. The spiders weave their webs into intricate patterns that all intertwine with each other, creating a large blanket at the end of the cave. We sit on a few logs and watch the thousands of different species of spiders inventing new shapes. The figure starts quickly moving and I work to catch up with it. It slides underneath the webs and through a hole without disturbing any of the creations. The other side of the cave is the top of a volcano. Snakes slither all around the crater and sides of the volcano...somehow fanning the flames to make the fire larger. Suddenly the concept of time returns to my mind and I gasp for air. If I don't find a way out then I'll be stuck forever, won't I? The figure grabs my hand and pulls me down into the throat of the volcano and we end up floating around the magma reservoir. The comfortable magma river floats us under the volcano and from the bottom it looks like glass. I can see through it and watch the liquid pumping its way to the top. The river drops us off at a huge bed of clouds, I follow you through the cloud forest until we end up at the ocean. Jelly fish are floating in the air around. First you sit, then me, and from the vantage point we can see beautiful deer swimming in the water.

The faceless person takes a drink of the ocean and I instantly know who it is.

"But you're not alive."
"No, I'm not."
Buried words begin pouring out of the deepest parts of me. "Why'd do it? You didn't even say goodbye."
"I can't tell you why, just that I'm not coming back."
"I'm sorry I left you alone. I thought you'd out grow the sadness. We were supposed to get better as we got older. Come back, please. We all miss you and love you. I'm begging you. Their are so many things that no one but you understands about me."
"You can meet me here whenever you'd like."
"Dude, this is just my mind isn't it? You mean to tell me that you only live in my mind now?!
"..."
"When they said they went to your funeral, I knew you killed yourself before anyone told me. I'm sorry I left you there. We should have stayed together. Living with you was so much fun, I miss it...we always had fun. You should have told me.. I would have been there. Remember all the concerts we went to, the birthday parties, the strip club the night I was mad?"
"You'll have to go now. You're going to wake up in another country, in another time, and I won't be there. But I'll always be here."

And so I did wake up. I always do, no matter how tightly I try and hold on to you...when your face is clear, blurred, when you don't say a word, and when you talk to me through my dreams. I always wake up without you.

Work Report - 6/23/2020

Wednesday, June 24th, 2020

•Chores: 1 hour and 23 minutes.
- Clean table/Counter: 3 minutes
- Dishes: 1 hour and 20 minutes

•Outing: 3 hours and 30 minutes.

•Mechanic Research: 2 hours and 45 minutes.

•Cook: 2 hours and 30 minutes.
- Chiftele

•Errands: 30 minutes
-Shopping: 30 minutes.

•Writing: 8 minutes.
- work report: 8 minutes

•Exercise: 45 minutes.
- Walk: 45 minutes

Total: 11 hours and 31 minutes.

Work Report - 6/22/2020

Wednesday, June 24th, 2020

•Chores: 57 minutes.
- Coffee, Make (1x) & Filter (2x): 12 minutes.
- Clean table/Counter: 5 minutes
- Dishes: 40 minutes

•Mechanic Search: 5 hours.

•Errands: 2 hours.

•Writing: 12 minutes.
- work report: 12 minutes

•Gym: 2 hours and 40 minutes.
- Swimming: 30 minutes
- 200 crunches: 20 minuets
- Weights/stretching: 1 hour and 10 minutes
- Walk: 40 minutes

Total: 10 hours and 49 minutes.

Work Report - 6/21/2020

Wednesday, June 24th, 2020

•Chores: 21 minutes.
- Coffee, Make (2x) & Filter (2x): 18 minutes.
- Clean table/Counter: 3 minutes

•Mechanic Research: 3 hours.

•Writing: 10 minutes.
- work report: 10 minutes

•Respond to contacts: 30 minutes.
- 12 people: 30 minutes

•Exercise: 1 hours and 15 minutes.
- Walk: 1 hours and 15 minutes.

Total: 5 hours and 01 minute.

Work Report - 6/20/2020

Monday, June 22nd, 2020

•Chores: 43 minutes.
- Coffee, Make (2x) & Filter (2x): 15 minutes.
- Clean table/Counter: 3 minutes
- Clean shower top: 25 minutes

•Writing: 10 minutes.
- Work Report: 10 minutes

•Mechanic Research: 30 minutes.

•Writing: 1 hour and 30 minutes.
- Math Review: 30 minutes
- Math memorization: 1 hour.

•Spanish: 1 hour.
- Memorization of list of phrases.

•Download & check movies: 30 minutes
- x4: 30 minutes

•Exercise: 2 hours and 45 minutes.
- Walk: 2 hours and 45 minutes.

Total: 7 hours and 08 minutes.

Work Report - 6/19/2020

Sunday, June 21st, 2020

•Chores: 1 hour and 20 minutes.
- Dishes: 1 hour.
- Coffee, Make (2x) & Filter (3x): 16 minutes.
- Clean table/Counter: 4 minutes

•Writing: 10 minutes.
- Work Report: 10 minutes

•Outing: 2 hours and 45 minutes.

•Exercise: 3 hours.
- Walk: 3 hours

Total: 7 hours and 15 minutes.