Archive for the ‘Journaling’ Category

The adventure of Goosey boy.

Thursday, June 13th, 2019

Once upon a time, a good goose named Goosey left his home in Germany to meet someone who could tell him how make golden eggs.

You see, he finished his bread before the end of Aesop's ill fated fable.

His first stop was a Hungarian shop, and with no such luck he continued on in search of his golden treasure.


Goosey made good friends who had stale bread and promised to help him along the way.


The locals laughed when they were asked about knowing of any such golden eggs.
"Budapest really isin't the place for your silly fabled eggs."


He was a sad goose when he returned home with his friends. They told him not to lose hope for Easter was close, and the flat Easter bunny would know where to find the best eggs.

At long last, he found a treasured egg rainbow...but something wasn't quite right. The eggs cracked and just like that he was back to his grand adventure.


Lovage croaked that everyone knows that Belgrade had the best geese. Surely there he should gander to find the golden prize.


A melancholy Goosey searched in Serbia without finding a way. He vowed to forget his quest and never mind these stupid eggs.


A most perfect wooden egg lay in wait for him at home! Goosey fell in love at first sight, and now he sits and holds his egg without any thought to a better day.


Contrasting Churches.

Tuesday, June 11th, 2019

With spending so much time in church during my youth, you'd think I would have seen a few notable places to worship.1

I hadn't seen a memorable church until traveling throughout Europe with Master's harem. Below is the best of the churches I've seen thus far and announced in the order in which I saw them.

St. Johann Nepomuk (Asam Church) in Munich, Germany



Church of Saint Sava in Belgrade, Serbia (world's largest Orthodox church in Southeastern Europe)2





The Dormition of the Theotokos Cathedral (Assumption Cathedral) in Cluj, Romania






If only the church he was holding had a smaller statue of him holding a smaller statue of the church...

Romanian wooden churches from the 18th and 17th centuries (respectively), also in Cluj3








Honestly, my favorite has been the wooden churches of Cluj. The lack of gold and statues was refreshing, and the depictions of holy events aren't at all pretentious. It may be the protestant in me but the simplicity is preferred. Exploring churches has become one of my favorite parts of traveling and no church has burned down upon my entrance.4

  1. Raised by a self proclaimed "christian mother", I was forced to go to church every Sunday and three times a week during holy week. In addition to that, I also had Sunday school after church, confirmation class (studyin my boy, Martin Luther's, small catechism) and youth group on weekends. Naturally, I became youth group president and was shortly thereafter accused of being the devil. All was not lost though, because I became very close with my longest and best friend, Bianca. Saturday nights were filled with partying and smoking weed to be up in time for church on Sunday. To quote her toast from the last time we drank together, "shots for pastor!" []
  2. I was excited to see this church at first but its so poorly over done. It's like they were overwhelmed by deciding they were going to be the biggest church, so then they covered everything in gold and poorly colored blocky paintings of Jesus. []
  3. Located at the Ethnographic Park Romulus Vuia. []
  4. This is a call back to when my grandma would take me to Catholic church service. She barely ever attended church, but when she did she would take the time to warn me about the possibility of her entrance causing the church to burn down. My earliest memory of this was when I was six, but she used that line almost every time we went. []

Lost Lovage.

Monday, June 10th, 2019

So, sometime ago my dad and uncle stood outside of my apartment and pounded while shouting about my grandma being in the hospital from falling. The apartment I rented in Chicago was built during the 20's. The walls are thick and I used to joke about how no one could hear a murder inside, but I could still hear their alarming screams. They were acting so erratic, but it wasn't inconceivable on that being their response if she fell. Both confirmed each others elaborate lies of how she had tripped going to get a book to read. Besides, what family members do you have that would lie about others you love being hurt (especially their own 80+ mother)? Turns out, the joke was on me and it was just a conspiracy by them in order execute their kidnapping plan (I didn't see it coming either..). My newly found mistrust came in a few different forms that day1.

Now a few months ago, a certain someone that I love came home and said he had sent away someone else that I love. I was hesitant to believe him at first because he seems to enjoy torturing me, but then we looked up the seven stages of grief together (due to my 'denial'). He told me I'd have to start then at baking bread because I'd need time to get it right and let me follow through with the task. He consoled me on how much it sucks to lose someone and allowed me to stay close while he napped. While we silently ate, I inspected his face and saw no sign of even the slightest smile. The hours went by - blocks built on each other and I crumbled into belief that I lost someone, yet again. I walked around the house in a daze of shock until sometime later I heard the familiar sound of a key in the door2.

Of course, these situations are different; however, they provoke the same feelings from me. Which is all it seems to be about anyways - provoking. Admittedly at 26, I don't know much about life so I'm unable to confirm if any of this actually matters. Right now, it does matter and I wonder if anyone else has lived through the cruelty of multiple joke losses.

In other news and to answer the question in the bulk of my emails, I'm alive and well!

I'm excited to share the last two months with you - until then.... I'm alive and well. Not enslaved against my will, in a cult, or brainwashed. Or maybe this is being written by a robot composed of pale parts.


Alive, well, still a dork, but now with a goose!


Other possible clever titles for this post were: dude wheres my grandma, title today gone tomorrow (see what I did there), taken 2: tookaning.

  1. I should probably celebrate this day every year, since I lost out on being able to celebrate so many peoples birthdays because of it. Maybe I'll bake a bitter cake and invite Liam Neeson. []
  2. This meant it could only be one person. Since for over two months I have not had keys to the door of the place that I live in. There are days I want to scream about how I had keys to my apartment, my car, the HR department, and my office. That being said, I also can't cut green onions or pick out celery root. []

Reviewing reviews

Saturday, March 23rd, 2019

In my last post I reviewed the musician Gary Clark Jr., which sparked the following conversation:

mircea_popescu: aaahahaha this article of yours. say, you ever read zimbuzz ?
nicoleci: nah of course not
mircea_popescu: lemme fish it out for you.
mircea_popescu: read that article.
nicoleci: i did read this
nicoleci: we made fun of it
nicoleci: does mine sound like that?
mircea_popescu: a lot, yes.
nicoleci: jesus
mircea_popescu: for your own aedification : compare and contrast.
mircea_popescu: you know how to do that ?
nicoleci: i think so
mircea_popescu: do it as your next article then, lemme see.

Soo, here we go. I am starting with similarities and then the differences. Examples will be in the order of Kikky Badass by zimbuzz and then following from my post on Gary Clark Jr.

  • Album Announcements
  • The articles begin with arbitrary information by listing the details of when the album was released.

    Rapper and singer Kikky BadAss dropped her full-length release last Saturday at an exclusive launch at the Crown Plaza Hotel in Harare. The launch which was strictly by invite had all things glamorous as she launched her project “Queen of the South”

    Gary Clark Jr.'s new album, This Land, was released last month.

  • Comparison to established artists
  • Both I and 'zimbuzz' place emphasis on how the artist being reviewed is as talented as well established artists within the same genre. After comparing the reviews, this seems like a lazy attempt of appealing to the readers' possible interests.

    She gets help from friend Marcus Mafia, Shuver, Fucci and Jnr Brown, Like a bad ass she is, she proved to be wise beyond her years by standing head and shoulders (Or is it ass-tall) with the boys.

    At only 35, his music has the sound of a 1950's blues musician and can take a place next to both Buddy Guy and B.B. King. Gary Clark Jr. has entered into the league of legends

  • Creating history
  • Each article ends with similar claims in that the artist being reviewed will be notable for their future work.1

    When she released the much talked about video to Body Conversations, the sentiment was that she would need to prove herself more.
    This piece shows she is not a pushover and will remain a key figure in Zim Hip Hop for some time to come.

    At a time when the quality of music is dying, all is not lost as long as Gary Clark Jr. has a guitar.

    Another comparison is the obvious lack critical thought - shown by not listing any criticism of the artist. However, what stands out as the biggest similarity and possibly why the articles read so parallel, is that both lack any sort of narrative. The reviews read as a list rather than with any sort of structure.

    Moving on, I found minimal differences between the two reviews. The article on Kikky Badass goes into more detail about the her 'roots', collaborators, and how unique of an artist she is.2

    I was taking an eventful walk with Master around town; being schooled on almost every corner on the ways I could do better. I mentioned to him about how I had this review in my drafts folder and had not posted it because I was afraid of the feedback that I would receive. Long story short, two blocks later and I was crying on my knees for not realizing that, I often revert back to the unintelligent and easy way of doing things (among other reasons, of course). It's such an interesting life to not be afraid of kneeling on a busy city street corner while dressed as cheap as the common whore3, but to be afraid of criticism of bad writing. He was right then as he is right now. It's a much better existence to be called stupid on trilema than to merely exist as stupid.

    After all...
    mircea_popescu: TEH HUMILIATION INTENSIFIES!!!

    1. Reading it back this is type of cop out ending, because I didn't list anything substantive to back up the conclusion. []
    2. Unfortunately, if I had written a longer piece, I could see myself writing very similar things to these 'differences'. []
    3. This was before I was punished and had to walk around barefoot. []

    Gary Clark Jr.

    Saturday, March 23rd, 2019

    I'm currently listening to: Gary Clark Jr. - This Land, When I'm Gone.

    Gary Clark Jr.'s new album, This Land, was released last month. He has been crafting music for a decade, but if you are unfamiliar with this dynamic blues man then, I'd suggest clearing your night and starting with his previous album - The Story of Sonny Boy Slim.1

    At only 35, his music has the sound of a 1950's blues musician and can take a place next to both Buddy Guy and B.B. King. Gary Clark Jr. has entered into the league of legends by having released a trio of consistent and masterfully crafted albums. No gimmicks, no auto-tune, but timeless blues and soul. It's clear that he understands how to construct beautiful songs by selecting the correct melody, timing, and lyrics. The signature sound of his guitar produces a deep color that will have you rewinding the song in order to rehear the solos.2 Its more than worth your time to listen to the entirety of This Land, but Dirty Dishes Blues and The Guitar Man stand out as my favorites. At a time when the quality of music is dying, all is not lost as long as Gary Clark Jr. has a guitar.


    1. More specifically listen to the tracks - Can't sleep and Our Love. []
    2. If you prefer acoustic guitar then give Church a listen. []

    Clean Getaway.

    Thursday, March 14th, 2019

    Besides writing poor summaries, I have another terrible fault of pushing people away. It's something that I've been aware of since I was 13. Most of my struggle in relationships start when I really let myself become attached and happy. I've had periods in my life when I was better at handling attachment, but it takes a lot of work and awareness. When something traumatic happens (insert kidnapping), I tend to revert back to my old ways of pushing people away from fear of loss. It's not something I'm at all proud of. I tend to keep my distance from any real relationships out of fear of hurting that person and myself.

    I was two when my mom died from breast cancer. Thankfully, I don't remember anything from that time of of my life. My earliest memories revolve around me crying on the couch about missing her while my dad aggressively told me he'd, "take me to the hospital if I didn't stop". Coincidentally, the other earliest memory I have is of him crying about her and begging me not to tell anyone about his breakdowns. My brothers and father had a lot of anger about her death that they took out on me. I handled it by being sad a lot of the time and with a desperation to learn anything about her in order to understand myself. However, my dad wouldn't tell me many details about her, besides that she was a really good person and had a kind heart. I never asked him more about her because I thought it may be hurtful for me to press for more information. Secretly, I always wanted to know her favorite color or what made her happy or sad. My brothers and I also had a silent understanding to never discuss her death.

    After my mother, Nancy, died my grandmother moved in and raised my brothers and I. For a lot of years it was extremely stressful watching my grandma and my dad butt heads. My dad was afraid of losing anyone after my mom died and my grandmother wanted us to live. I had a lot of surreal moments as a child being in school on mother's day or on bring a parent to school day. Some of the moments consisted of me realizing that I was one of those kid's with a dead parent or is that what having a mom is really like. That being said, my grandmother was wonderful and did the best to make sure we had the knowledge we needed. She taught me to read, not to be afraid of life, and be independent. More than that though, she tried to preserve our childhood the best she could and after having the experience of raising her own four boys, was ready to go toe to toe with my dad's anger. After my grandmother saw how hard my dad was on my brothers and I, she became my greatest ally and friend. This continued to the required train rides to Pennsylvania that she took us on on to visit my mother's mom and brother.

    I loved riding the train with my brothers and grandma. We all woke up at 5AM to catch the earliest Amtrack train, which was next to a terrible smelling soap factory. I would arrange my stuffed animals on the seats, like they were riding the train with me and explained to them about the different cabins. Being in motion was always a safe feeling for me, my brothers and dad left me alone while we were on the way somewhere. My mom's brother, my Uncle Jeff, would met us at the train and take us to his and my other Grandmother Faye's house in Johnstown, Pennsylvania. My grandma would leave after a few days - leaving my brothers and I alone with my Grandma Faye and Uncle Jeff for about three weeks. This is when my nightmare started. My brothers had full authority to do whatever they wanted to me, which mostly consisted of calling me names and beating me up. For a long time, I could never understand why my Uncle Jeff and Grandma Faye didn't do anything to stop them. More than that, they both would pay special attention to my brothers by buying them lots of stuffed animals (which my brothers didn't really want) while not giving me anything or making fun of me with them. My Uncle Jeff would take them on lots of trips while leaving me alone to do nothing. I would cry when they hurt me and then get yelled at in the process.

    My dad married my step-mother when I was around 12. This was hard for me because my dad had my grandma move out and my new step-mom move in. I felt the pain of losing someone who provided so much safety for me. I had trouble adjusting to the new dynamic and felt isolated. My brothers were always together and my dad and step-mom were now always together. My step-mom did get my dad to stop yelling at us, which was a huge relief; however, his meanness and depression never ceased. I was about 13 when, my step-mother revealed to me that my mother chose not to have chemo therapy for her breast cancer because she was pregnant with me and necessarily affirming her death. Knowing this destroyed me for many many months. My father asked me not to blame myself because, "that's not what she or any woman would want". He also told me that my Grandma Faye and Uncle Jeff had a hard time seeing me because I looked and reminded them so much of my mom. To my dad's credit, I never told him what happened on those trips but as soon as he saw it, he stopped me from going there. I took on this survivors guilt of blaming myself for any pain my family had because I was the reason my mother died. My anxiety was out of control for a while to the point of me not being able to sleep and my teacher getting involved. Finally, I made living amends by telling myself that I would be very kind to everyone that I could, in order to justify being alive, and further than that, I would live for two people, my mother and I.

    This isin't meant to be a sad story for me. My mother gave me such a beautiful gift and perspective on the world. I have always considered myself fortunate for having experienced death and loss at such an early time in my life.

    Since my mother's death, life has granted me many other other people to lose, from good friends to now my entire family. All of this pain has caused me to start to again, anticipate the eventual separation from the people I care most about, and therefore, pushing them away before I really get hurt. It's no way to live and it's the furthermost thing from kind. No matter how much I try to avoid loss, life will always be uncontrollable. All lessons are cheap while we are alive. I know its worth attaching to others to spite that they may not always be there, just like I know that we can chose to see hard times as a destruction or a blessing. I chose to see them as a blessing and I hope you will chose to do the same.


    Things that happened last month.

    Wednesday, March 13th, 2019

    1) Purchased a pet fish at the local farmers market. I saved a weeks worth of colones and pushed my way through the 9 and under crowd. No, I wasn't high and yes, I was more excited than them. The fish that was chosen was pink and I carried it's plastic bag the two miles home. I named it Rosé and four hours later I found it dead between the oven and the fridge. We'll never know if it intentionally committed fish suicide or jumped too high.1

    2) I got peed on by a dog. While wearing a never before worn dress, I suggested that we all hang out by the pool because it was such a nice day. The neighbor's dogs came by to get their pats on. I said my usual, "sup dog? I like your fur." Then suddenly, everyone was laughing and I was warm. Nope, no I've never heard of this happening to anyone, either.2

    3) Pierced my ears. We were walking through San Jose on our way to the Manga Cafe. Master pointed out a piercing shop and without any planning or warning, I got my ears pierced. I had been avoiding this for years due to the pain and continued cost of buying new earrings. In hindsight, beatings prepare you for a lot more of life than you realize.

    4) My 26th birthday. The only thing notable about turning 26 is that I am now 4 years away from 30. I wore my best school girl outfit for a night out to celebrate... Except that, the bar scene is so desperate in CR that we had to go to Hooters (which I had never been to before) and then when I asked where the party is, the waitress literally wrote down "home" (I appreciated her honesty because, I had been suspicious that this was the case for a while now). All was not lost, since I took the opportunity to school the waitresses on partying and expose my tits.

    5) I beat down my first pinata. This was not a child-like carefree beating of a pinata - I was naked with an audience and also, the house I was beating the pinata down in is filled with fine liquor and breakables. Somehow my man hands managed to only break the pinata, which rained down homemade chocolate cookies and tampons. After all was done and destroyed, it was really exciting and I hope to have another Battle Royale next year.

    And also, dicks & ducks!!




    At 26, still Polish but less pale. Hmm.

    1. Bianca: omg im dying right now that is such bad luck and a new record
      we should get a cat together!!

      Harem: One fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Dead Fish?! []

    2. Too bad I can't notify the Philosophical Transactions of this account. []

    I got 99 problems.

    Monday, February 11th, 2019

    Mocky's recent blog post on whores in Qatar inspired me to relay a few of my experiences in the US and here in Costa Rica.

    While living in the US, I never interacted with any blatant stereotypical street prostitutes (although I am sure they're out there). The girls who have an interest in that type of career have adapted their behavior to be 'subtly whoresque'. A group of these girls can admit to themselves and therefore others about their intentions. You can find them on private snatch-chat for an average of $20 a month for your private session. Girls of instagram is a known phrase and code for instagram models who you can message directly on the site to met you or will gladly accept a plane ticket to join you on vacation.. maybe to Qatar even... I'm also not going into any details about webcam models or escort sites because you know them - they've been around.

    Another group of girls exist in the US who are in pursuing fortune the same way; however, they chose to wear the mask of looking for a rich husband. It's in vogue to say that you want to marry an engineer but, of course for his mind, right? I've met numerous girls at college who were attending because they "just want to find a husband." A majority of them never worked or work as office admin. This behavior isint new, but the current generation wants to demand #metoo and, at the same time be entitled to a well off husband who comes with a house that includes an etsy workshop.

    I was looking forward to seeing what legal prostitution looked like. I thought that the girls in a tropical paradise like Costa Rica, would create a fun and wild scene. One of my first outings led us to the Del Rey, which is a known hangout site for the local tutes. Except, when we got there - the restaurant was empty, besides for the two girls playing on their phones at one table (one table out of about 20). Not only were they sitting and not looking at all engaging, but I had to be told they they're prostitutes. So no, they didn't dress the part, look happy, or have men around them like I would have thought. The exception to this, was one guy who seemed to close the deal by telling the girl that, "I don't know how this works and didn't want to assume"... right?1

    The next outing was at a hotel near the beach. This hotel had a pool that looked like it had been created for parties. The place had all of the trappings of an actual venue by having cool lights, music with a decent beat, a huge pool, and a bar at the center. This time the place was even populated, but with a bunch of twenty somethings girls who sat either alone or two to three to a table and played on their phones. Again, I had no idea that they were working due to their lack of expressions and movement. We were the only table that was even making audible noise. To be fair, guys were populating the place by awkwardly shuffling in and out of the pool area, looking at their feet, and without making eye contact - because no country knows how this works.

    1. Check out the comments for a better retelling and more exact information. []

    The travel guide

    Friday, February 8th, 2019

    My fetlife account receives a steady supply of strange messages, which do provide the useful purpose of some sweet sweet entertainment.

    Fetlife is after all, filled with adult sized children who would rather play pretend at sex and negotiate terms.1

    After moving to Costa Rica, a good majority of these messages became about asking me for travel recommendations. I never respond for any number of reasons2 but on a whim I decided to try writing back (lesson learned). I responded without knowing that this douche already wrote to our favorite famous fetlife troll and was lucky enough to receive a message back. Let's peep the conversation between him and I to find perhaps one of the funniest cases of someone not knowing who they are talking about.

    Suggestions for San Jose or Jaco

    CumAndAttraction 43M Kinkster
    Hey there. I'll be in CR next Sunday thru Sat. Any suggestions on place to stay or things to do. Staying in San Jose but was thinking of spending a few days In Jaco.

    Yes_pleaase 26F slave
    You probably know that San Jose, is the 'city proper' but, I don't spend a lot of time there. Its pretty chaotic/dirty compared to cities in the states. However, if you do end up say in Jan Jose, I'd suggest going to the National Theater for coffee or just walking around. Costa Rica is made for walking... Jaco has a decent beach scene, as well. I'd really suggest taking a two day trip to Arenal/ La Fortuna - youll find tons of things to do lining, volcano, hiking, nightlife, coffee..etc.

    CumAndAttraction 43M Kinkster
    Awesome,thank you. I am looking to take it east and soak up some sum while at the beach. I've read a lot about escorts in Jaco but havent seen much about BdSM. Are there Fetlife groups or events ?

    Yes_pleaase 26F slave
    Ahahaa. Yeah, the escorts are something to see. I thought having them around would create more of a party scene but not really - its just kind of lame. No bdsm scene that I've seen, I havent tried very hard to find one though.

    CumAndAttraction 43M Kinkster
    Hoping to recreate this while there. It's an amazing pic.…
    How about hotel suggestions?

    Yes_pleaase 26F slave
    Hahah, with escorts? Costa Rica is a great place to experiment and have fun, the people are all live and let live.

    Sorry, I cant be much help with hotels. If youre staying at the beach, you may just want to get one around there!

    CumAndAttraction 43M Kinkster3
    Sure with escorts unless you are up to join in! Ha ha.
    I stayed at a place called Taormina in San Jose last time. Went to the Del Ray (?) 1 night though to see the sights. Was fun but dint think I'd like a week of that. I'm going to book the Jaco hotels once I get down there. There is an adults only place called Copacabana I may check out. Seems there maybe others in the lifestyle there and may run into a Hotwife/cuck. Whateve comes about of the trip, I'm just playing by ear. I'm sure there will. e lots to do.
    Any good drinking bars in SJ to recommend?

    CumAndAttraction 43M Kinkster
    Well thanks for the help. I enjoyed chatting. If you are up for drinks sometime, it's on me..
    Ps..any good at gambling? The casinos I went to in SJ were pretty sketch.

    CumAndAttraction 43M Kinkster
    I will be in San Jose tonight. Is there any good places to meet people on a Friday after noon

    CumAndAttraction 43M Kinkster
    Thanks for the help. It was fun trip. I found a very laid back hotel on the beach in Jaco that was perfect. It's called the Beach Break resort in case you ever head that way. Its cost to the craziness there, but far enough away to be secluded.
    I have to tell you (I already assume you will block me and I understand) I reached out to your Dom for a recommendation and his response was the rudest I have ever had here on Fet. He basically called me a name and tried to talk down to me, followed by immediately blocking me before I could respond. I only asked for a recommendation and not anything else. I didnt mention you.
    To me that's a red flag for someone that is very insecure, not a good quality in a Dom. I've never seen a Dom behave that way that was credible..
    Maybe I caught him on a bad day or something, but whatever
    Thanks again. I did walk all over and did some of what you suggested. I found a great place for dinner too!

    Ah, where to begin with how fucking inept this guy is. For one, the logs were sent to him to read by MP and instead of relishing in that opportunity, the dude spent his vacation butthurt and then decided it would be good idea to, I guess, snitch to me about it!? As if, I would somehow give a fuck and more importantly, not have the understanding that no, he will never be equal with Master - so don't pester him as if they are. I could barely even follow his attempt at writing a message. He also put a lot of effort into not taking a hint and thanking me when I didn't respond, but for fetdorks its always easier to pretend.

    1. Because - “This is way out of bounds. I said you could rape me. I did not say you could ruin my panty-hose.” ― Chuck Palahniuk from Choke []
    2. SirFrankie 56M Dom
      Hello slave,
      I am considering a move / retirement to Costa Rica in a few years. Was wondering if you are open to discussing your experiences there?

      whylie2you 47M Dom
      Hi Yes Pleaase,
      Saw your profile and thought you might be able to give me insight into how the kink scene is in San Jose. Any recommendation for a fellow American who is visiting there for a week?

      crowntown 44M Switch
      How are you? I’m visiting San Jose for vacation, hoping to make some new friends while I’m here and thought I’d say hello to you.

      ......And these are only the first three most recent messages asking me for travel recommendations. Its a lame attempt at a pick up, and hopefully obvious as to why I don't much respond -- somehow missing my chance to tour the neighborhood nursing homes doesn't seem catastrophic.

    3. For added laughs, check out his 'about me' from his profile:
      Huntersville, North Carolina, United States
      "if it makes you happy... it cant be that bad..."
      A quick note to add. I don't get on here very often so if I respond "Maybe" to an event or send you a unsolicited friend request, its my way of keeping track of events or people I find interesting. It doesn't mean anything more than what I read or saw interests me somehow. []

    A few things to remember.

    Monday, February 4th, 2019

    I am writing this after having been in trouble1 and while spending the better part of two days without Internet or access to my Master.2 As it turns out, growing pains are worse when you are 26. I not only have years of learning to catch upon, but also now the stakes are higher.

    Fortunately, I did meet my Master and part of what made me so badly want to give up everything I had in the first place was that, he is a Master like none other that exists in 2019. This is not a fetish that ends during the hours of 9 - 5, nor some arranged contract that allowed me to negotiate terms. This is real slavery and I sometimes think that the slave masters throughout history would be jealous at the kind of control he commands. Fetlife will try and tell you that being a slave makes you special and entitled to feeling so, this is not the case nor would any slave want it to be true. Having expectations3for things as slave in your Master's castle cheats you out of any pleasure you get from servitude.4 As a brief explanation - I own nothing which includes options, time, and permission. Some days I may wake up to go shopping, which in turn ends up with me walking around downtown in a schoolgirl outfit that shows off my cunt and tits in 7inch high heels. Other days I may be ignored wondering if I will hear the wonderful noise of a car honking, which means I happily have about two minutes to get downstairs. While it was seemingly easy to grow accustomed to this life, now that the 'honeymoon' phase is over I am left with tripping over myself for what seems like every other day. I am still (and probably always will be) learning a lot about what it takes to become a desirable slave. What I am learning goes beyond what is 'BDSM' and into what is actual knowledge of the world and how to interact with it. Often these are things that I already thought I knew and well - such as: how to drive a car, how to speak and listen, sit, memorize, proper reading..etc. In my life now, only one correct way exists for how to perform everything, so it is best to have no ego in assuming that I know how to actually do much of anything. For instance, I am being punished now and it would do me good to remember that:

    No bad days.
    If I am struggling then it should be the case for me to try harder to ensure that I am being pleasing. My Master is entitled to receiving nothing but the very best from his slave. It is not easy because the high standards of slavery can never fall but it is always worth it in the end. This includes me shelving any unfortunate feelings that I may be entertaining. A sure way to make any bad day worse is by annoying your Master with inept nonsense.

    I am not entitled to comfort.
    Costa Rica is supposed to have tropical climate but most nights I am shivering with goose bumps. Any sort of comfort that I receive whether it is a blanket, chocolate, a choice, the ability to use furniture, time with the nobility, the Internet, food..etc. are all luxuries that I am not entitled to. Therefore, I should be thankful with gratitude when offered any sort of comfort. For instance, I should not ask for anything additional when already receiving a blessing from those I (whor)ship. This also includes intangible things like expectations for how a day may turn out or being butt hurt over feelings.

    I can forget what I thought security meant.
    The sense of not having security is proving to be one of the hardest things to adjust to. Most people enter relationships with the preconceived notions that any promise they make to one another about 'being together forever' will last. I don't ever hear those words and furthermore, I may be threatened to get lost if I fail in any sort of way. I spend my nights at my cage alone without I love yous or a promise to see anyone tomorrow. Fortunately, I have someone who I consider more than a friend and I cannot imagine what it would be like without her.5 Having her is a rare gift of actual security and I am sure one of the greatest given in life.

    This is only three points and some examples to what could be an exhaustive list of reminders to myself. This entire post may seem scary to most people, but most people also take so many little precautions to ensure that they remain alive without actually doing any living.6 Why take the time to protect yourself to then never actually expose yourself to anything? Whats scary to me is to waste my life by not being vulnerable enough to grow into whatever my Master wants to make of me. I would like nothing more than to look back at this post in a few years and say that I am more pleasing and ideal then I was when this was written. I am fortunate for the life I live by waking up everyday being able to serve. Here's to embracing that I may never-ever know what comes next.


    1. Recently, I recounted the story of when I made a grave error while living in Chicago during the month of August. Chicagoans wait 8 months for summer and I was not allowed to leave the room. I lived on the same block as the beach and watched the days come and go as happy people in bathing suits celebrated the weather by laughing and skipping to the water. []
    2. or Hannah which is a good reminder regarding what my ignorance can achieve []
    3. This is not to be confused for having hope, which I am told makes you have an endearing quality of a vulnerable slave. []
    4. Pleasure is waking up and resolving to the fact that you own nothing are nothing if not performing the tasks assigned - it's an amazing feeling to hear that you did a good job or are most satisfying. It means even more that these compliments do not come often or easy. []
    5. Actually I can and it would be a lot of me holding myself rocking back and forth in a corner. []
    6. Such as those who move to another country and lecture others on the 'bad parts' of town without ever going to the neighborhood pipa fria dealer. []