Archive for the ‘Journaling’ Category

I got 99 problems.

Monday, February 11th, 2019

Mocky's recent blog post on whores in Qatar inspired me to relay a few of my experiences in the US and here in Costa Rica.

While living in the US, I never interacted with any blatant stereotypical street prostitutes (although I am sure they're out there). The girls who have an interest in that type of career have adapted their behavior to be 'subtly whoresque'. A group of these girls can admit to themselves and therefore others about their intentions. You can find them on private snatch-chat for an average of $20 a month for your private session. Girls of instagram is a known phrase and code for instagram models who you can message directly on the site to met you or will gladly accept a plane ticket to join you on vacation.. maybe to Qatar even... I'm also not going into any details about webcam models or escort sites because you know them - they've been around.

Another group of girls exist in the US who are in pursuing fortune the same way; however, they chose to wear the mask of looking for a rich husband. It's in vogue to say that you want to marry an engineer but, of course for his mind, right? I've met numerous girls at college who were attending because they "just want to find a husband." A majority of them never worked or work as office admin. This behavior isint new, but the current generation wants to demand #metoo and, at the same time be entitled to a well off husband who comes with a house that includes an etsy workshop.

I was looking forward to seeing what legal prostitution looked like. I thought that the girls in a tropical paradise like Costa Rica, would create a fun and wild scene. One of my first outings led us to the Del Rey, which is a known hangout site for the local tutes. Except, when we got there - the restaurant was empty, besides for the two girls playing on their phones at one table (one table out of about 20). Not only were they sitting and not looking at all engaging, but I had to be told they they're prostitutes. So no, they didn't dress the part, look happy, or have men around them like I would have thought. The exception to this, was one guy who seemed to close the deal by telling the girl that, "I don't know how this works and didn't want to assume"... right?1

The next outing was at a hotel near the beach. This hotel had a pool that looked like it had been created for parties. The place had all of the trappings of an actual venue by having cool lights, music with a decent beat, a huge pool, and a bar at the center. This time the place was even populated, but with a bunch of twenty somethings girls who sat either alone or two to three to a table and played on their phones. Again, I had no idea that they were working due to their lack of expressions and movement. We were the only table that was even making audible noise. To be fair, guys were populating the place by awkwardly shuffling in and out of the pool area, looking at their feet, and without making eye contact - because no country knows how this works.

  1. Check out the comments for a better retelling and more exact information. []

The travel guide

Friday, February 8th, 2019

My fetlife account receives a steady supply of strange messages, which do provide the useful purpose of some sweet sweet entertainment.

Fetlife is after all, filled with adult sized children who would rather play pretend at sex and negotiate terms.1

After moving to Costa Rica, a good majority of these messages became about asking me for travel recommendations. I never respond for any number of reasons2 but on a whim I decided to try writing back (lesson learned). I responded without knowing that this douche already wrote to our favorite famous fetlife troll and was lucky enough to receive a message back. Let's peep the conversation between him and I to find perhaps one of the funniest cases of someone not knowing who they are talking about.

Suggestions for San Jose or Jaco

CumAndAttraction 43M Kinkster
2w
Hey there. I'll be in CR next Sunday thru Sat. Any suggestions on place to stay or things to do. Staying in San Jose but was thinking of spending a few days In Jaco.

Yes_pleaase 26F slave
2w
You probably know that San Jose, is the 'city proper' but, I don't spend a lot of time there. Its pretty chaotic/dirty compared to cities in the states. However, if you do end up say in Jan Jose, I'd suggest going to the National Theater for coffee or just walking around. Costa Rica is made for walking... Jaco has a decent beach scene, as well. I'd really suggest taking a two day trip to Arenal/ La Fortuna - youll find tons of things to do there..zip lining, volcano, hiking, nightlife, coffee..etc.

CumAndAttraction 43M Kinkster
2w
Awesome,thank you. I am looking to take it east and soak up some sum while at the beach. I've read a lot about escorts in Jaco but havent seen much about BdSM. Are there Fetlife groups or events ?

Yes_pleaase 26F slave
2w
Ahahaa. Yeah, the escorts are something to see. I thought having them around would create more of a party scene but not really - its just kind of lame. No bdsm scene that I've seen, I havent tried very hard to find one though.

CumAndAttraction 43M Kinkster
2w
Hoping to recreate this while there. It's an amazing pic.
https://fetlife.com/users/8025242/pictures/72409457…
How about hotel suggestions?

Yes_pleaase 26F slave
2w
Hahah, with escorts? Costa Rica is a great place to experiment and have fun, the people are all live and let live.

Sorry, I cant be much help with hotels. If youre staying at the beach, you may just want to get one around there!

CumAndAttraction 43M Kinkster3
2w
Sure with escorts unless you are up to join in! Ha ha.
I stayed at a place called Taormina in San Jose last time. Went to the Del Ray (?) 1 night though to see the sights. Was fun but dint think I'd like a week of that. I'm going to book the Jaco hotels once I get down there. There is an adults only place called Copacabana I may check out. Seems there maybe others in the lifestyle there and may run into a Hotwife/cuck. Whateve comes about of the trip, I'm just playing by ear. I'm sure there will. e lots to do.
Any good drinking bars in SJ to recommend?

CumAndAttraction 43M Kinkster
2w
Well thanks for the help. I enjoyed chatting. If you are up for drinks sometime, it's on me..
Ps..any good at gambling? The casinos I went to in SJ were pretty sketch.

CumAndAttraction 43M Kinkster
6d
I will be in San Jose tonight. Is there any good places to meet people on a Friday after noon

CumAndAttraction 43M Kinkster
6d
Thanks for the help. It was fun trip. I found a very laid back hotel on the beach in Jaco that was perfect. It's called the Beach Break resort in case you ever head that way. Its cost to the craziness there, but far enough away to be secluded.
I have to tell you (I already assume you will block me and I understand) I reached out to your Dom for a recommendation and his response was the rudest I have ever had here on Fet. He basically called me a name and tried to talk down to me, followed by immediately blocking me before I could respond. I only asked for a recommendation and not anything else. I didnt mention you.
To me that's a red flag for someone that is very insecure, not a good quality in a Dom. I've never seen a Dom behave that way that was credible..
Maybe I caught him on a bad day or something, but whatever
Thanks again. I did walk all over and did some of what you suggested. I found a great place for dinner too!

Ah, where to begin with how fucking inept this guy is. For one, the logs were sent to him to read by MP and instead of relishing in that opportunity, the dude spent his vacation butthurt and then decided it would be good idea to, I guess, snitch to me about it!? As if, I would somehow give a fuck and more importantly, not have the understanding that no, he will never be equal with Master - so don't pester him as if they are. I could barely even follow his attempt at writing a message. He also put a lot of effort into not taking a hint and thanking me when I didn't respond, but for fetdorks its always easier to pretend.


  1. Because - “This is way out of bounds. I said you could rape me. I did not say you could ruin my panty-hose.” ― Chuck Palahniuk from Choke []
  2. SirFrankie 56M Dom
    Hello slave,
    I am considering a move / retirement to Costa Rica in a few years. Was wondering if you are open to discussing your experiences there?

    whylie2you 47M Dom
    Hi Yes Pleaase,
    Saw your profile and thought you might be able to give me insight into how the kink scene is in San Jose. Any recommendation for a fellow American who is visiting there for a week?
    Cheers,
    Trevor

    crowntown 44M Switch
    How are you? I’m visiting San Jose for vacation, hoping to make some new friends while I’m here and thought I’d say hello to you.

    ......And these are only the first three most recent messages asking me for travel recommendations. Its a lame attempt at a pick up, and hopefully obvious as to why I don't much respond -- somehow missing my chance to tour the neighborhood nursing homes doesn't seem catastrophic.
    []

  3. For added laughs, check out his 'about me' from his profile:
    Huntersville, North Carolina, United States
    "if it makes you happy... it cant be that bad..."
    A quick note to add. I don't get on here very often so if I respond "Maybe" to an event or send you a unsolicited friend request, its my way of keeping track of events or people I find interesting. It doesn't mean anything more than what I read or saw interests me somehow. []

A few things to remember.

Monday, February 4th, 2019

I am writing this after having been in trouble1 and while spending the better part of two days without Internet or access to my Master.2 As it turns out, growing pains are worse when you are 26. I not only have years of learning to catch upon, but also now the stakes are higher.

Fortunately, I did meet my Master and part of what made me so badly want to give up everything I had in the first place was that, he is a Master like none other that exists in 2019. This is not a fetish that ends during the hours of 9 - 5, nor some arranged contract that allowed me to negotiate terms. This is real slavery and I sometimes think that the slave masters throughout history would be jealous at the kind of control he commands. Fetlife will try and tell you that being a slave makes you special and entitled to feeling so, this is not the case nor would any slave want it to be true. Having expectations3for things as slave in your Master's castle cheats you out of any pleasure you get from servitude.4 As a brief explanation - I own nothing which includes options, time, and permission. Some days I may wake up to go shopping, which in turn ends up with me walking around downtown in a schoolgirl outfit that shows off my cunt and tits in 7inch high heels. Other days I may be ignored wondering if I will hear the wonderful noise of a car honking, which means I happily have about two minutes to get downstairs. While it was seemingly easy to grow accustomed to this life, now that the 'honeymoon' phase is over I am left with tripping over myself for what seems like every other day. I am still (and probably always will be) learning a lot about what it takes to become a desirable slave. What I am learning goes beyond what is 'BDSM' and into what is actual knowledge of the world and how to interact with it. Often these are things that I already thought I knew and well - such as: how to drive a car, how to speak and listen, sit, memorize, proper reading..etc. In my life now, only one correct way exists for how to perform everything, so it is best to have no ego in assuming that I know how to actually do much of anything. For instance, I am being punished now and it would do me good to remember that:

No bad days.
If I am struggling then it should be the case for me to try harder to ensure that I am being pleasing. My Master is entitled to receiving nothing but the very best from his slave. It is not easy because the high standards of slavery can never fall but it is always worth it in the end. This includes me shelving any unfortunate feelings that I may be entertaining. A sure way to make any bad day worse is by annoying your Master with inept nonsense.

I am not entitled to comfort.
Costa Rica is supposed to have tropical climate but most nights I am shivering with goose bumps. Any sort of comfort that I receive whether it is a blanket, chocolate, a choice, the ability to use furniture, time with the nobility, the Internet, food..etc. are all luxuries that I am not entitled to. Therefore, I should be thankful with gratitude when offered any sort of comfort. For instance, I should not ask for anything additional when already receiving a blessing from those I (whor)ship. This also includes intangible things like expectations for how a day may turn out or being butt hurt over feelings.

I can forget what I thought security meant.
The sense of not having security is proving to be one of the hardest things to adjust to. Most people enter relationships with the preconceived notions that any promise they make to one another about 'being together forever' will last. I don't ever hear those words and furthermore, I may be threatened to get lost if I fail in any sort of way. I spend my nights at my cage alone without I love yous or a promise to see anyone tomorrow. Fortunately, I have someone who I consider more than a friend and I cannot imagine what it would be like without her.5 Having her is a rare gift of actual security and I am sure one of the greatest given in life.

This is only three points and some examples to what could be an exhaustive list of reminders to myself. This entire post may seem scary to most people, but most people also take so many little precautions to ensure that they remain alive without actually doing any living.6 Why take the time to protect yourself to then never actually expose yourself to anything? Whats scary to me is to waste my life by not being vulnerable enough to grow into whatever my Master wants to make of me. I would like nothing more than to look back at this post in a few years and say that I am more pleasing and ideal then I was when this was written. I am fortunate for the life I live by waking up everyday being able to serve. Here's to embracing that I may never-ever know what comes next.

butterfly

  1. Recently, I recounted the story of when I made a grave error while living in Chicago during the month of August. Chicagoans wait 8 months for summer and I was not allowed to leave the room. I lived on the same block as the beach and watched the days come and go as happy people in bathing suits celebrated the weather by laughing and skipping to the water. []
  2. or Hannah which is a good reminder regarding what my ignorance can achieve []
  3. This is not to be confused for having hope, which I am told makes you have an endearing quality of a vulnerable slave. []
  4. Pleasure is waking up and resolving to the fact that you own nothing are nothing if not performing the tasks assigned - it's an amazing feeling to hear that you did a good job or are most satisfying. It means even more that these compliments do not come often or easy. []
  5. Actually I can and it would be a lot of me holding myself rocking back and forth in a corner. []
  6. Such as those who move to another country and lecture others on the 'bad parts' of town without ever going to the neighborhood pipa fria dealer. []

In memoriam Giuseppe

Monday, February 4th, 2019

Before I moved to Costa Rica I had been talking about having a gecko as a pet. As unlikely as the thought was, I got as close as possible with the gecko Giuseppe. After spending hours walking the mean streets of Costa Rica, I'd come home to shower and find him near the drain. The little guy would jump on the hand buss and take a ride to my hat, wherein he would spend the rest of the night tucked inside. He got pretty famous with my friends back in the Midwest from his various camera appearances. It was pretty difficult to break the news of his passing and I appreciate all of the condolences, I know this is as just as hard for you as it is for me. We lost a good one but as it goes - one goes out, one comes in. Apparently a gecko's lifespan is only 12 weeks1 but Giuseppe's legacy will live on in infinitum2 as the friendly Italian gangster gecko that he was.

inmemoriam-1

inmemoriam-2

inmemoriam-3

His final resting place.


  1. Update: apparently a gecko's lifespan is 3-4 years! []
  2. Especially now, because the mosquitoes are quickly spawning. []

Arenal.

Wednesday, January 23rd, 2019

I often find myself lost in thought when staring out of the car window on the long drives in Costa Rica. It feels tranquil to be flying by the colorful tropical vegetation and endless hillsides. Since I first visited CR and over the last five months of living here, the car has always been this imagined sign of a pause. Sure, I can always get in trouble, no matter what, and under any circumstances - but the risk always seemed so minimal while riding in the car.1 It's been some of the very few moments in which I allowed myself to breathe and think about the reality of my new life.2 The crew was headed to Arenal and I was excited. I had made a bloody mess of the last trip and now was the time for me to return to the jungle for redemption.3
The trip started out well enough, as I had stayed up the night before defining about 26 words. Allow me to introduce you to this game we play. The directions are simple, Master and Hannah will go back and forth producing words that I have to define. If I don't know the word then I have to write it down and give an explanation during our next interaction. The game stops when I can accurately define a word thats given. So, to answer your question, yes - they have only stopped out of pity for me but I think I'm still a winner... I like to call the second phase of the game the bonus round (they didn't know this) because once I bring back the defined word list, Master goes into these riveting explanations of how the words came to be. I'm so fortunate for my life, which consists of driving through one of the most scenic routes in the world, all the while listening to philology from the man himself.

arenal-1

arenal-2

Look, free monkeys! Coati monkeys are the raccoons of the jungle, so much so that tourists blocked the road trying to feed them. Monkeys weren't the only thing to block the road on this trip. Since the holidays are over, its now time for construction in Costa Rica. The locals decided to block one of the only major highways in the country for going on over thirty five minutes. Lucky for us, we ended up at the beginning of the line and had Master in the car. It took him only around a minute with the workers before the cones went up and they quickly got out of the way. Of course, this was after a few nervous looking men walked over to the workers and bailed out of any confrontation by getting on their phones and taking the walk of shame back to their cars without saying a word. So, on we went with miles of cars in our rear. We finally made it to the cabin with a view of the volcano and a legendary pool. But first, I was instructed to help back the car into the covered parking spot. This sounds like an easy task, but I was already nervous from fucking this up during the last trip.4 Instead of delivering on the order - I got in the way of the driver, made incompetent hand gestures, and spoke so low no one heard me give direction. My incredible angst was of no use in this situation, and I was hoping to turn this around before the end of the trip, but as the saying goes - no such luck. However, I did develop a well adjusted panic on the road back to the cabin every night in anticipation of assisting with parking.5 Anxiety has been a friend of mine since I can remember. I occupy a no relax zone and would like move on from it as soon as possible (see what I did there?). It will always be true that the most desirable state for a tasked slave is focused with a clear mind. I am not that slave yet, but the trip goes on. And on it goes to the pool.
This pool is unlike anything I had ever seen before. Not only is it an infinity pool that overlooks the volcano and the volcanic lake, but it has fountains, an attached hot tub, and is constructed of beautiful regal blue and white tiles. Master and I spent a good amount of time wrestling in the water. He is suspiciously immune to my various sneak attacks and ankle grabs, which leaves me gasping for air and choking on water. Over ten years of trained swimming and yet, I still find myself pinned at the bottom of the pool and at the mercy of his foot (of course, he's enjoying my lack of air and under water struggle while making out with a certain Wannaackins on the surface, pretentious much?!). Finally, the sun sets and we all enjoy watching it fade into the seemingly forever narrowing river. I give everyone foot rubs in the hot tub and we head back to the cabin. By head back to the cabin, I mean that I walk back naked. We suspect that the cars that saw me naked were driven by the people at the pool who watched us with disapproving faces from afar. We also saw these people at breakfast the following morning. 'Tis a sad honeymoon for them when they realize that they won't ever have as much fun as the harem. After breakfast, we headed for hiking by way up in a sky tram. Hiking was an enjoyable moment and I'm growing more accustomed to appreciating nature instead of a phone. Since transcribing Philosophical Transactions, I can only imagine what a trek it must have been for any expedition to explore this land.6

arenal-3

arenal-4

arenal-5

arenal-6

arenal-7

I finally grew up enough to be trusted with handling a camera. This was the perfect trip for it, since I haven't yet found the right words to describe how beautiful it is here and well, a picture would be really hard to fuck up. My dread returned as I had to assist with parking the car again. This time seemed like my worst attempt and frustrated everyone to the point of yelling or getting out of the car... Master wouldn't let me see the surprise until I cheered up, but they saw me first!

arenal-9

arenal-8

arenal-10

Volcanic cows were squatting in our back yard.7 Check out the white guy being all weird and creeping in the corner.8 The rest of the afternoon was spent sipping champagne and me praying that we won't need to move the car again. It took me hours to fall asleep that night, staring at the ceiling in the dark and endlessly going over the details of the day in order to have some preparedness for the next.
It was leavin' time and we packed up the car so that... I could drive. My minimal experience of driving manual shot me into an immediate panic on the way to find breakfast. Before we could find somewhere that met the standards, I had already fucked up past any sort of tolerable point. My stomach pitted up when I heard the words, "get out of the car". I watched the BMW drive off while on the side of a jungle road in a short dress and high heels. It only took a few steps for me to get stuck in mud and trip into some bushes that caused an instantaneous skin rash with hives (I've never had hives before or seen them on my skin.). The only reason I took those few steps was because I wanted to get out of the rain and the road. At which point, I started crying and begging the rain forest to please give me a fucking break. A wonderful Costa Rican family stopped and offered me a ride9, which I declined. I spent my time standing there by entertaining my thoughts between how much I had fucked up...etc. and well, what if they don't come back. My purse with my passport and any belongings were in the car - my options were to beg someone for a ride or join the family of coati monkeys. Time did its trick of slowing down for me. Thought after thought rushed into my head and I can't say that I feel any better thinking about it now. The BMW circled its way back to me and I can't tell you how long they were gone for but, I tried to get my shit together as best as I could upon their return. I made a resolve with myself that the only way back to the cage was by me driving, so I had to make it happen.
I drove by ignoring my emotions of being extremely overwhelmed and on the verge of a break down. We ate breakfast at some German restaurant that I hardly remember. The road to Monte Verde was painful for both me and the car. Every rock felt like it was ding at my chances for making it back to Giuseppe. When I was finally relieved of driving duty, I was sent to sit in the passenger seat. Master likes the passenger seat up for leg room and he did kindly allow me to move the seat back some. However, when we arrived at a restaurant for dinner, my legs were so cramped that I looked like a fawn trying to walk for the first time. Dinner was the best part of the day. I eventually was able to focus on something other than the jungle warfare that I had just lived through. It was monumental for me to return to the first restaurant that I had kneeled at. This place has become a touchstone for my slavery10 ... I no longer live a life of imagined breaks in the car or delusions that my time is my own. Watching them laugh was & is a reminder of why I was so desperate to kneel in the first place and why it would be such a waste to resist any part of this life.

  1. Which may seem like an insane thought - fear of riding in a car is reality for a lot of people. I'm guessing those people haven't been kicked out of someones house and made to walk home or hit with a hammer for taking to long...etc. []
  2. I should mention that being entertaining in the car is mandatory. I do my best to balance the state of reflection and engagement; however, often times I find myself being scolded for lack of good conversation, knowledge, and jokes. Of course, justly scolded and I'm told these things improve over time but the sting of under performing stays with me. []
  3. Redemption from what?! Well, mostly me being quiet and slave shocked and also, a lack of tampons. You cant take the Indiana out of the girl... []
  4. To make matters worse, on the last trip I did not realize that there was a garage, so I stopped the car before it even got properly parked. For this fuckupery I was painfully beat with a dog toy, or better known as a bitch toy. It still sits in my closet taunting me over this transgression. Sigh. []
  5. Costa Ricans do this weird thing were they employ people to help you park your car at almost every location. They will have a man in a reflective vest standing around and waiting to assist you with backing up. This is unlike anything I have ever seen in the states. []
  6. Good thing they travl'd with a pike man and a cook... []
  7. I'm glad they chose this trip time to do it. On our previous trip, I was punished to lay in the same grass naked and those cows well defiled it. []
  8. I need to admit that I did ruin Master's shot of me naked and barefoot petting a cow, whew. Now you know. []
  9. I wonder if any of the girls I have seen crying on the side of the road have been kicked out of the car for disappointing their Master. []
  10. Incidentally, I was on all fours crawling out of the restaurant in a dress so short that my ass and cunt showed, while a shocked girl stared on in a state of disbelief. []

My new G

Friday, January 4th, 2019

So, im out here in Costa Rica feeling a little bit lonely. You see, I dont speak the language of either the native or noble people. Which means that my best option is to explore the gringo scene. This desire for social exploration led me to a picnic at Ciudad Colon...

I get overly optimistic when I met new people. The prospect of possibility trumps some critical thought on my end. At least this time, this hope was short lived when my neighbors sister in law picked me up in a honda with the trunk strapped down by a bungee cord and a baby in the back seat. She had invited me to the picnic the day before and I started the morning with peak bimbo excitement. The trunk was the first notch against any hope of a good day. We made small talk on the way...she was from Minnesota1 and moved here to teach and "marry a Tico". In fact, she informed me that the women we were meeting with had all moved here to marry Ticos. Notch two and I know enough to stop counting.
When we arrived at our destination, I was introduced to two women who were both teachers... three teachers from Minnesota and I were going on a picnic. You could tell how proud they were to have moved to Costa Rica2 by how many areas of the country I was instructed to avoid - it made me sad to realize that after 5+ years they are just permanent tourists. Their lack of understanding of actual Costa Rica was solidified by the host not offering anyone Costa Rican coffee. Emily had made lemonade with packets of pre-made mix and sandwiches from store bought bread. The ladies continued to make small talk3 about Minnesota life and excitedly warned me about venturing out alone. This was because one of them was robbed by a man in the capital of Costa Rica, San Jose, who repeatedly asked her for her cell phone until she just handed it over. I humored them by not telling her that, no - she wasn't actually robbed and from now on she should probably carry two of everything. The group was pretty shocked to see me wearing heels and a dress to a park in 75 degree weather. According to them, I should buy jeans/pants because "your body will adjust to this climate"4. Also, they freely offered to help me get a smart phone (with whatsapp) and a facebook account. The rest of the conversation consisted of talking about working at a school and vacations with their parents5. My desperation for socialization had led me to the type of people I actively avoided in the states. I wont bore you with any more details from the rest of the day6 - besides how I rushed home to try and wash away the degenerate feeling I was left with, but in the shower is when I met a real G!

arealg2

It was suggested to me that the little guy should be named Giuseppe and its the perfect name. Living with a gecko is a nice change from the raccoons that owned the trash cans in Indiana7. Were working on getting him his own scrub brush, shower cap, and weight set, so that hes ready to battle any spiders or gringos that come our way. I finally found a real G8 in Giuseppe the gecko.

arealg4

  1. When you tell people you are from Chicago, they naively resort to thinking that you walk down the street dodging bullets. I mostly encounter this by women who live a boring sheltered life and never had anal - so you can see why I dont correct them in hopes that they would never visit or move to chicago. Didn't think id see it in another country but hey, you cant take the basic out of becky. []
  2. When in fact they should have never moved anywhere under any circumstances, ever []
  3. I understand I repeated the word 'small talk' but thats all they are capable of. []
  4. Which is a harem inside joke, as the dresses are mandatory and I was warmer than usual. []
  5. This is even more sad when you realize that they were in their early thirties or younger []
  6. Guaranteed nothing they do will be worth mentioning by anyone ever again []
  7. This is not an exaggeration, all hoosiers know that you throw the garbage and run because those bastard raccoons are vicious. []
  8. To quote urban dictionary - "a real G is someone who is true to themselves and stood the test of time", but I've always know a real g to mean a real gangster. []

Part I - if im lucky

Thursday, January 3rd, 2019

2019 already started off with me wanting to go back in time. How dumb can one person be in one night? I suppose since #trilema hasn't developed time travel, I'm left with making living amends.

You see, I've been navigating a new life. For the first time, I feel submissive to multiple people, who I love tremendously, and desperately want to please. I feel fortunate in some way everyday. I'm sure a blog post about that will come later, but for now lets focus on how I messed up. My fuckupery goes beyond being selfish and not submitting at a crucial time. I stopped listening and sprayed hurtful words all over a great night. Words that I didn't at all mean but how would they know that? Some moments you learn and move on from, but its always been the most shameful ones that stay. However, its not about my memory (it shouldn't have been about me to begin with) - its about the person I hurt. The person who has always had my back and has never done anything but supported me. Ive been fortunate to have her still take a chance on me despite being hurt herself. I'm ashamed that when she reached her hand out, I attacked1. I'm at a loss here (a real loss in multiple ways) because she would be the person id turn to for help with forgiveness. So I'm left with writing, which is the only thing I know to do and what I'm not very good at2.

Cliché or not, one night can ruin a friendship because when you push people away they will go. It's true that loyalty is the highest form of friendship, but its only valuable if its earned by honest consistent actions. Its also inexcusable to repeat the same actions of others that hurt you3. This goes beyond the obvious and into how you treat people you love in every instance, every day. Its fine to focus on missing people from the past but not when it affects current relationships. I'm not good at much of anything, but I have been fortunate at recognizing greatness in people. I just hope I'm good enough to earn back what I lost.

The love I have for you wasn't expected, planned, or ordered. Its been built upon being able to see you smile while drinking coffee and watching you stand at the door to smoke. I fell in love with how your hair falls in your face and the way you clutch a gear. Hearing your voice became associated with safety and even more, hearing your stories, a pleasure. Its exceedingly rare to see someone so beautiful expertly deliver a hilarious joke, with the right tempo, and at the perfect time. Ive started to listen for your heels and hope its your voice. Never has anyone so quickly figured out the things that i wanted to hide. A scant few months later and im still in awe of your intelligence and somehow you've mastered perfect balance with me. I wouldn't have gotten through this without the small tasks and sweet gashapon4 toys. I never thought that pushing a cart and carrying bags for someone would bring such pleasure5. You're the girl with limitless talents, because every time I think Ive seen it all - you will cooly pull out an expert dance or pro impression6 I've always thought it was lame when people said that they're better for loving someone but hey, thats another one of your talents. Of course, I wish I were writing this at a future time when I was better able to convey how I feel. So, well call this Part I - if I am lucky. However, now I'm just sorry.

  1. Which is a real shame too because she has soft pretty hands, George Costanza look out. []
  2. At the very least maybe shell laugh. I really felt happy and useful whenever I could make her laugh (especially during tough times) []
  3. I thought I was better than that but evidently not []
  4. Ah a word I look forward to telling you about in the car. Embarrassingly, I love seeing your half smile and eyes looking back through the review mirror []
  5. I'm sure you knew it would, you always know.. []
  6. Its no secret that valley girl is my favorite impression. []