Archive for the ‘Arin Lardner’ Category

Triles an' Tribinlations

Friday, July 10th, 2020

Well it's a-happened, O Lord yes-indeedum and-a thank yew. I suppose this'n be what all my Daddy was talkin' 'bout back what 'fore I done shove off to join them National and Innernational Harem Corps, he says to me, "Honey, what you take yisself for, some kinda atom-a-thon gon' record this 'n prin' out that, in go dem pie parts 'n out whoa'sa commin' sweet pineapple pie? You one o' dem e-zee-bake ovens, girl, ain't no more fight on you'n a knob onna chile's plaything?". But now my Daddy, well, there's just a whole heap of things he don't right understand, you'se hafta take that inna consideration. All's the same though, I reckon somewhere in his hollerin' and stompin' about there may've'n been just the right sized nuggeta truth to break my poor teeth on lo this mornin'.

It was such a fine day, well the startin' of I mean, I'd've hardly believed it coulda been so sweet if I'da been promised it so the night afore. All balmy and nice, and when one girl got her bones up well after me but asked herself on back to bed on accountin' of nightmares or somesuch I asked myself too, and then I'll be damned if I didn't tuck myself right into Master's cozy bed, all wound up in there and snuggled tight like a July caterpillar. On and on I floated 'tween where'n I was'n where'n I wasn't, an' my toes all wiggled in the warm and soft I dreamt for hours 'boutin' how the kitchen sink was all empty an' not a dish in it to clean. Then a girl came back home from 'er shoppin' with a whole damn mess of that there filet mignon an' all's the kinda things goin' with that, and I woke myself up'n mosied on in there spyin' Master makin' what's his famous salad, 'cept it's always diff'ren', 'n girls coming this way'n that carmelizin' plantains er heatin' up a griddle for them steaks. Someone even asked, they said, "Master?" and he was all "Whut?" and she was like "Master, how's'n about we have us a shampain with our lunch?" and wouldn't you believe he said yes! Right afore we all sat down to eat why he popped that shampain cork clear 'cross the livin' room at me'n just about took my eye out, shakin' crown to toe'n deelightful mirth.

Then we get to diggin' on in, after cheers'in'n whathaveyou, and whooee Lord them plantains what the carmelizin' did to 'em jus'bout put me in a hold. So I says so, and jus'bout everyone else nods an' also says so, and so's then I get to askin' all after that there recipe, whereby I learn t'ain't nothin' more to it'n slicin' up some plantains'n dustin'em over with cinnamon and that fancy cardamum what the finnicky girl keeps buyin'n them pods down Central Market's way. "Supposin' you put any butter'er'errl in that pan tho'?" I asks, thinkin' it awful strange plantains could carmelize just on they own meagre little power. "Butter!" comes the answer, and I looked aroun'n found everyone jus' sorta sideways laughin' at me, you know? An' it's at that point, lemme tell you, things start-a movin' on towards that no-good sum'bitch apocalypse what's got me tight inna bind by now.

So Master says, he recalls I mean, a story 'bout his grandmammie back in them red commie times what they had there over'n Yurp some time ago. Seems his grandmammie usedta ennertain a whole lot, and got to makin' all manner'a fine comestibles for 'er guests, whereby one asks her, she says, "Woman, what manner-a vegetable's contained in this here soup makes it taste so goddamn good?" and what would you know that illustruss specimen comes on back with but "Meat!". And now well it took me a while to get it explained that weren't much meat back then on account of them red commies not carin' much 'bout it, which I took to considerin' awful odd. "How's'n 'bout realizin' meat's makin' people strong and happy tho'?" asks I, and Master says them buncha pinko meanies didn't care whether they own people was happy 'er not!

Then this other girl what carmelized those devil plantains, she says somethin' confangled 'bout them po' folks in North Korea and how they's compelled to look happy when they's got to be, but Master comes back retortin' this an' that 'bout how them North Koreans ain't be makin' a damn thing. Not like them pinkos what they had in ye old countrey way back when, he says, they dun made a whole lot more'n any United States dun theyselves even, if'er reckon by head an' head, all fare!

Well it's about this time a big question started deformin' my head, and I turned it on over and over insides as it were as I chewered on all manner-a deelicious items until finally that question jus'bout demanded to get itself on out. So I says with my big filet mignon fork all wavin' through the air, I says, "Iffin' somethin' ain't doin' no social work projects could that thing still be qualifyin' as red communism?" But I asked it a lot more elegant, 's'jus' by now my poor head's so battered'n'blue from all my own rackin' an' rakin' through it I don't quite remember how I got it put. And then he turns to me, with that wunnerful fire in 'is eyes, and so's I know he's about to wax on somethin' pontificashional, an' he says to me, he says the devil knows only, those whole waterfalls'a glory'n theory an' poems, an' before I even notice what's a-happenin' I'm all dreamy an' even though I think in my head at the time that I'm followin' 'long, I'm loster'n a whale up a elm tree. An' I suppose he dun see it, then, 'cause I started askin' 'bout a aspect som'part what he'd just said, an' he dun tell me he dun just tell me that! Well now lemme tell you I was powerful confused, and them toes what was curlin' just half a hour ago back in bed were curlin' in the bad way otherwise now unner that there lunch table, 'n Master tole me I'd better jus' start repeatin' all what he'd been a-sayin', which I couldn't kinda how I never do seem to be able to jus' right, an' then he dun say "Well forget it then," or "Well that's that" or O hell I don't even remember what mighty dismissal he finished with emittin' but it made me stone still on my chair.

You'd better believe it I prostrated 'n placated all here to there'n back 'gain over them dinin' room tiles, wantin' him to go on and mos'specially not ta get the idea I weren't really listenin' or interested in what all he'd been sayin'. An' he tells me after we's all done eatin' I'm to go out on the porch 'n write out what he'd said, an' I told him right there weren't no way I could do that, an' he jus' gimmie that look 'n say he'd go right ahead 'n whip me raw iffin' I couldn't reproduce it. I tell you I dropped that big ol' fork in my plate right then, on account-a losin' my appetite. An' all who were eatin' 'round that table tried and tried to get me right again, sayin' I shouldn't imagine the worse, an' how if I was sure it was gonna turn out somethin' terrible no matter what I'd at least as well enjoy my lunch while it lasted. Well I did my best to stop cryin' 'n get down them last bites, but it was substantial rough, bein' as I felt them forebodin' clouds all gatherin' 'round me.

An' wouldn'tcha know, despitin' many hours out on that ball-coney tryna come up somehow with what all'd be tole me I couldn't get nothin' on down more'n this, which I mus' admit is not really all that much alike what Master said, tho' it share some shade a color:

"communism is when violence is monopolized
socialism is when projects are in a closed circuit
pantsuitism is when individuals have property rights and

in 15 years, the communists party completed more construction than the us in the 30's. communists didn't care if people are happy. violence is monopolized in communism. socialism is when work projects operate in a closed circuit. individuals have property rights inĀ  in pantsuitism. socialism and pantsuitism can overlap."

Which Lord I know ain't gonna pass onta nothin' with Master'n all my time tryna remember and move through what he said ain't come to naught. An' I think, 'cause some of the girls, they tole me, "Girl, you's gots yourself a problem wherein you keep on tellin' yoself you cain't remember nothin' when you sure as well can." Which don't seem right but then I recall several times they dun showed me I did know somethin' tho' I could'a sworn I didn't. And so I been tole to copy all this story down to help me conjure up them wunnerful words what I lost, and I'm hoping they's gonna come now, 'cause there ain't nothin' worse'n bein' all wrapped up an' tied in a National and Innernational Harem without knowin' what yo Master dun tole you just before, an' I sure as all hell dun want my Daddy to think he was right carryin' on about me takin' myself for a oven.