Part I - if im lucky

By Nicole Renee

2019 already started off with me wanting to go back in time. How dumb can one person be in one night? I suppose since #trilema hasn't developed time travel, I'm left with making living amends.

You see, I've been navigating a new life. For the first time, I feel submissive to multiple people, who I love tremendously, and desperately want to please. I feel fortunate in some way everyday. I'm sure a blog post about that will come later, but for now lets focus on how I messed up. My fuckupery goes beyond being selfish and not submitting at a crucial time. I stopped listening and sprayed hurtful words all over a great night. Words that I didn't at all mean but how would they know that? Some moments you learn and move on from, but its always been the most shameful ones that stay. However, its not about my memory (it shouldn't have been about me to begin with) - its about the person I hurt. The person who has always had my back and has never done anything but supported me. Ive been fortunate to have her still take a chance on me despite being hurt herself. I'm ashamed that when she reached her hand out, I attacked1. I'm at a loss here (a real loss in multiple ways) because she would be the person id turn to for help with forgiveness. So I'm left with writing, which is the only thing I know to do and what I'm not very good at2.

Cliché or not, one night can ruin a friendship because when you push people away they will go. It's true that loyalty is the highest form of friendship, but its only valuable if its earned by honest consistent actions. Its also inexcusable to repeat the same actions of others that hurt you3. This goes beyond the obvious and into how you treat people you love in every instance, every day. Its fine to focus on missing people from the past but not when it affects current relationships. I'm not good at much of anything, but I have been fortunate at recognizing greatness in people. I just hope I'm good enough to earn back what I lost.

The love I have for you wasn't expected, planned, or ordered. Its been built upon being able to see you smile while drinking coffee and watching you stand at the door to smoke. I fell in love with how your hair falls in your face and the way you clutch a gear. Hearing your voice became associated with safety and even more, hearing your stories, a pleasure. Its exceedingly rare to see someone so beautiful expertly deliver a hilarious joke, with the right tempo, and at the perfect time. Ive started to listen for your heels and hope its your voice. Never has anyone so quickly figured out the things that i wanted to hide. A scant few months later and im still in awe of your intelligence and somehow you've mastered perfect balance with me. I wouldn't have gotten through this without the small tasks and sweet gashapon4 toys. I never thought that pushing a cart and carrying bags for someone would bring such pleasure5. You're the girl with limitless talents, because every time I think Ive seen it all - you will cooly pull out an expert dance or pro impression6 I've always thought it was lame when people said that they're better for loving someone but hey, thats another one of your talents. Of course, I wish I were writing this at a future time when I was better able to convey how I feel. So, well call this Part I - if I am lucky. However, now I'm just sorry.

  1. Which is a real shame too because she has soft pretty hands, George Costanza look out. []
  2. At the very least maybe shell laugh. I really felt happy and useful whenever I could make her laugh (especially during tough times) []
  3. I thought I was better than that but evidently not []
  4. Ah a word I look forward to telling you about in the car. Embarrassingly, I love seeing your half smile and eyes looking back through the review mirror []
  5. I'm sure you knew it would, you always know.. []
  6. Its no secret that valley girl is my favorite impression. []

Leave a Reply