My new G

By Nicole Renee

So, im out here in Costa Rica feeling a little bit lonely. You see, I dont speak the language of either the native or noble people. Which means that my best option is to explore the gringo scene. This desire for social exploration led me to a picnic at Ciudad Colon...

I get overly optimistic when I met new people. The prospect of possibility trumps some critical thought on my end. At least this time, this hope was short lived when my neighbors sister in law picked me up in a honda with the trunk strapped down by a bungee cord and a baby in the back seat. She had invited me to the picnic the day before and I started the morning with peak bimbo excitement. The trunk was the first notch against any hope of a good day. We made small talk on the way...she was from Minnesota1 and moved here to teach and "marry a Tico". In fact, she informed me that the women we were meeting with had all moved here to marry Ticos. Notch two and I know enough to stop counting.
When we arrived at our destination, I was introduced to two women who were both teachers... three teachers from Minnesota and I were going on a picnic. You could tell how proud they were to have moved to Costa Rica2 by how many areas of the country I was instructed to avoid - it made me sad to realize that after 5+ years they are just permanent tourists. Their lack of understanding of actual Costa Rica was solidified by the host not offering anyone Costa Rican coffee. Emily had made lemonade with packets of pre-made mix and sandwiches from store bought bread. The ladies continued to make small talk3 about Minnesota life and excitedly warned me about venturing out alone. This was because one of them was robbed by a man in the capital of Costa Rica, San Jose, who repeatedly asked her for her cell phone until she just handed it over. I humored them by not telling her that, no - she wasn't actually robbed and from now on she should probably carry two of everything. The group was pretty shocked to see me wearing heels and a dress to a park in 75 degree weather. According to them, I should buy jeans/pants because "your body will adjust to this climate"4. Also, they freely offered to help me get a smart phone (with whatsapp) and a facebook account. The rest of the conversation consisted of talking about working at a school and vacations with their parents5. My desperation for socialization had led me to the type of people I actively avoided in the states. I wont bore you with any more details from the rest of the day6 - besides how I rushed home to try and wash away the degenerate feeling I was left with, but in the shower is when I met a real G!


It was suggested to me that the little guy should be named Giuseppe and its the perfect name. Living with a gecko is a nice change from the raccoons that owned the trash cans in Indiana7. Were working on getting him his own scrub brush, shower cap, and weight set, so that hes ready to battle any spiders or gringos that come our way. I finally found a real G8 in Giuseppe the gecko.


  1. When you tell people you are from Chicago, they naively resort to thinking that you walk down the street dodging bullets. I mostly encounter this by women who live a boring sheltered life and never had anal - so you can see why I dont correct them in hopes that they would never visit or move to chicago. Didn't think id see it in another country but hey, you cant take the basic out of becky. []
  2. When in fact they should have never moved anywhere under any circumstances, ever []
  3. I understand I repeated the word 'small talk' but thats all they are capable of. []
  4. Which is a harem inside joke, as the dresses are mandatory and I was warmer than usual. []
  5. This is even more sad when you realize that they were in their early thirties or younger []
  6. Guaranteed nothing they do will be worth mentioning by anyone ever again []
  7. This is not an exaggeration, all hoosiers know that you throw the garbage and run because those bastard raccoons are vicious. []
  8. To quote urban dictionary - "a real G is someone who is true to themselves and stood the test of time", but I've always know a real g to mean a real gangster. []

3 Responses to “My new G”

  1. [...] on shaky ground and left December refined thanks to intervention by Mircea Popescu supporting one of his girls. [↩]For the December statement the major consumer of time was the customer equity calculation [...]

  2. [...] for both me and the car. Every rock felt like it was ding at my chances for making it back to Giuseppe. When I was finally relieved of driving duty, I was sent to sit in the passenger seat. Master likes [...]

  3. [...] about having a gecko as a pet. As unlikely as the thought was, I got as close as possible with the gecko Giuseppe. After spending hours walking the mean streets of Costa Rica, I'd come home to shower and find him [...]

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